I didn't love my wife when we got marrried

I’m a ridiculous, emotional, over-sentimental sap.  I guess that’s why I told my wife I loved her on our second date. I had tried really hard up to that point to hold it back, honestly.  I wanted to tell her on the first date, but I knew that would probably be weird. I still remember her reaction.  She kind of gave me this half-shy, half-amused smile.  Then she nodded and looked off into the sky. I wasn’t heartbroken by the response.  I think part of me recognized that she was much smarter and more modest than me. But as time has gone on, I also realized that she knew something that I didn’t. Like most Hasidic Jews (we both became religious later in life), our dating period lasted a very short time.  After two months of dating, we were engaged.  Three months after that, we were married. And that whole time I was swooning.  This fire was burning in me, a fire that burned just like that second date: I was in love. But then we got married, and everything changed. Marriage, quicker than I was ready for, did this thing: it started sucking away that emotion. I tried so hard to keep that fire going, to keep that emotion alight, but it got harder and harder. I mean, how you can feel that burning love when you’re sitting at the table discussing how to use the last twenty dollars in your bank account? How can you feel it when you get into an argument? How can you feel it when you think it makes perfect sense to put your socks on the floor after you’re done with them, and she has this crazy idea that they need to go in the laundry basket? There was no way I could keep that dating fire burning as practicality invaded our lives. And at first, it drove me nuts.  That emotion meant love!  That excitement was how I knew I cared for her!  But suddenly, life was this grind.  Even when I was with her.  Especially when I was with her. And even worse, it seemed that the harder I tried to be sentimental and lovey-dovey, the less it was reciprocated. But it wasn’t that she wasn’t giving me love, it just seemed to come at different times. Like, when I offered to do the dishes.  Or make dinner after she had a hard day.  Or, once we had a daughter, when I shared the responsibility of watching over her. I don’t think I noticed this consciously for a while.  It just kept happening. But I think it had an effect on me.  Because as our marriage progressed, I found myself offering to help out around the house more and more. And after each time, there would be this look she would give me.  This look of absolute love.  One that was soft and so beautiful. It took me longer than I care to admit to understand what was happening. But eventually it became clear.  Through giving, through doing things for my wife, the emotion that I had been so desperately seeking naturally came about.  It wasn’t something I could force, just something that would come about as a result of my giving. In other words, it was in the practicality that I found the love I was looking for. And what was even more interesting was that once I realized this on a conscious level, and started trying to find more opportunities to give, the more we both, almost intuitively, became lovey-dovey. And now, as I’m a bit older and a bit more experienced with this relationship, I’ve finally come to realize something. Something I haven’t wanted to admit for a long time, but is undeniable. I didn’t love my wife on that second date. I didn’t love her when we got engaged. I didn’t even love her when we got married. Because love isn’t an emotion.  That fire I felt, it was simply that: emotional fire.  From the excitement of dating a woman I felt like I could marry.  But it wasn’t love. No, love isn’t an emotion or even a noun.  It’s a verb.  Better defined as giving.  As putting someone else’s needs above your own. Why wasn’t I getting reciprocal lovey-doveyness when we were first married?  Because it wasn’t for her.  It was for me.  An emotion I had in my chest. And even when I let it out of my chest, it wasn’t love. Being sappy isn’t love.  Telling someone you love them doesn’t mean that you do. And that’s why my wife just gave me that half-smile.  She knew, even if I didn’t, what love really is. And now that I’ve tried to change the way I look at love, the more I become shocked at the messages of love I had gotten when I was younger. From Disney movies to my favorite shows like “The Office” to practically every pop song released, love is constantly sold as an emotion we have before we’re married.  An emotion that, once had, somehow magically stays within a marriage forever. I can’t imagine a bigger lie.  And I’m saddened to think about how much those messages bounced around in my head for so long.  And how much I’m sure those messages are bouncing around in other people’s heads as well. I think that might be a big part of the reason the divorce rate is so high in this country.  Imagine a whole nation of people constantly chasing the emotions they had when they were dating.  A country of people trying to live a Disney movie. That’s a recipe for disastrous marriages; for a country with a 50% divorce rate;  for adultery (the classic attempt to turn the fire back on); for people who do stay together to simply live functional, loveless marriages. It’s sad to see just how common all the above is.  How many people are in pain simply because they’ve been lied to. Those people deserve better.  We all deserve better. It’s time that we changed the conversation about love.  It’s time that we redefine it. Because until we do, adultery will continue to be common.  Loveless marriages.  Divorce. Living Disney movies in our minds, and tragedies in our lives.

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Taken from a blog shared via Facebook. This article is so true. Love is a choice. A choice every day that a person makes to continue living their lives they way they see best fit for themselves. 

I always try to remind myself that. Girls are so fooled with all the romance found in Hollywood movies. & I will definitely admit I can be such a sap at times and cry at all of those movies but purely for enjoyment. But in reality, it's so different. Others may have highly opposing views of what I think but, all I wish people is simply that they find someone that makes them happy and vice versa.

if i truly want this to work with 3000 miles in between us.

i have to make sure i'm okay with feeling like we do have different lives now. not that we didn't have own previously but I need to be okay with not talking to him about regular things everyday and realizing that I'm okay with it because I do trust him. I think the thing I had a difficult time with earlier was not what he was doing but, just that I happened to be missing out on all the activities.

we just need to make sure we can still find each other when we are separate and together.... it's going to take a lot of adjusting on my end to be okay with these changes because of the distance. i also need to put more thought about things when speaking to him and explaining how i feel because it could hurt him and me more so now than ever before. we don't have the luxury of being able to physically be with each other to offer comfort.

i need to learn to be okay with scheduling video chatting dates and times. it sounds ridiculous but i think it's necessary for us to maintain our relationship and continue to build it. i wouldn't want the quality of our relationship to decrease or complacent. it should always be growing and supporting both us as we need.

now for me to think about all of this and explain this to him will take me some time. but i know he will understand and everything will work our for the best. just like how it's supposed to go

till next time \\

k

it's been awhile.

i guess i only write on here when i have the opportunity or lack of opportunity to talk about how I am feeling at this very moment. Or really it's about me writing this all down to help make sense of it all.

i'ved moved 3000 miles away from everything i know and love. i've yet again decided to leave my entire comfort zone ... except this time it's a longer extended amount of time and costing me a lot of money.

i think for the first time \\\ .... i have to get used to missing out on things and just hope that it not me missing out on things that it's him. selfish for me to say but a girl has gotta keep herself protected. till the day that you&me really become an "us". speakin` the truth!


my family has perfect timing for phone calls. it's like they're meant to uplift me.

i actually went to church today (which i usually don't ever go out of my way to do) and the reading was about migrating to a new place for economical purposes. seemed to go well with my current huge move.... just interpreting it on a bit of stretch ha. but who cares, it's my interpretation that matters anyways. (at least i'm in my opinion)

all of these would work, without fail, every time.

things i keep telling myself

they are one last person for you to compete with. they make your success easier.

precious

After 21 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, “I love you, but I know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you.”

The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my MOTHER, who has been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my three children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally
. That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie. “What’s wrong, are you well?” she asked.

My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news. “I thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you,” I responded. “Just the two of us.” She thought about it for a moment, and then said, “I would like that very much.”

That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date. She waited in the door with her coat on. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding anniversary. She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel’s. “I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed, “she said, as she got into the car. “They can’t wait to hear about our meeting.”

We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print. Half way through the entries, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips. “It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small,” she said. “Then it’s time that you relax and let me return the favor,” I responded. During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation – nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each other’s life. We talked so much that we missed the movie. As we arrived at her house later, she said, “I’ll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you.” I agreed.

“How was your dinner date?” asked my wife when I got home. “Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined,” I answered.

A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn’t have a chance to do anything for her. Some time later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place mother and I had dined. An attached note said: “I paid this bill in advance. I wasn’t sure that I could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two plates – one for you and the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant for me. I love you, son.”

At that moment, I understood the importance of saying in time: “I LOVE YOU” and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve. Nothing in life is more important than your family. Give them the time they deserve, because these things cannot be put off till “some other time.”

---THIS STORY REMINDS ME OF THE GOLF BALLS STORY ----

The Mayonnaise Jar 
When things in your life seem , almost too much to handle,
When 24 Hours in a day is not enough,
Remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class
and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly,
He picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar
And proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students, if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured
them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open Areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively
filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed..

'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things - family,
children, health, Friends, and Favorite passions.
Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, Your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else --The small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' He continued,
there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,
You will never have room for the things that are important to you.
So...

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play With your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

'Take care of the golf balls first --
The things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented...

The professor smiled.
'I'm glad you asked'.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'

Please share this with other "Golf Balls" 

taking your own advice

reminders of what i will be like as a parent, friend, girlfriend, wife, etc.

communication is key and i'll admit i usually have a difficult time with it. anything outside of my personal life i think my communication skills are at a pretty good level for someone my age. however, when it comes to things that are personal and meaningful to me (relationships with others) i can get a little sensitive and emotional.


growing up i've always been cautious about trusting people. i don't know why, but looking back it seems that i've always been like that and there was no specific negative moment triggering that characteristic. i think it's just always been apart of me.

works in both good and bad ways.... since i'm already cautious of trusting others. those i do chose to trust and they in fact betray or lose that trust drives me that much further away from trusting others. to date, there is only one person i can really call my best friend and he is also my boyfriend. which i am forever grateful for. but in the past maybe 2 1/2 years those that i have identified previously as best friends simply have blurred away. nothing negative or a horrible falling out as occurred, i think it's just apart of growing up. at least that's what i like to think because then that would mean there's something wrong with me that i am not aware of.

nevertheless, communication is hard for me with those that i love. i think that's why i have a hard time talking with my parents. i feel like communication with my mother is so difficult to do regular things in life, like plan a family holiday celebration event. she reacts to aggressively to things and it seems that she thinks the whole world is against her and she has issues that can't be fixed.

i know the relationship with my parents has always been difficult and different in comparison to everyone else. but i've come to accept that everyone sets their own expectations from those in their life. i definitely value and appreciate my relationship with my parents despite the flaws. but, i know when the day comes that i decide to get married and start my own family my expectations from my husband and children will be very different.

over the course of the past year, my expectation of a marriage and creating a successful life long commitment with someone has definitely changed. i've come to realize how much really goes into it and what i know i will need from my life partner. and i know for a fact that i will make that clear to my husband before he proposes. just like how i will have high expectations from not just myself but my husband when we decide to have children.

age means nothing in all of this, everyone matures and experiences things at their own pace. which is why i know for a fact i don't see myself getting married anytime soon because i'm not even ready to hold myself up to my own standards haha.