g r o w i n g up in 2014..... i'm t w e n t y - f o u r & i need to have to stop reminding myself t h a t

it would be naive for me to think that he wouldn't be capable of breaking my heart. as much as i love and trust him i would like to hope that i will not fully give myself to someone until we are married ....as god as a witness.

maybe that's what has been missing in my thought process on love. the only person that will be deserving of every piece of me will be the one who asks me to share a life together, one who dedicates every piece of his being to our marriage.

until that day comes i don't think i can give myself 100%. i know right now i give a very large percent of myself to someone currently but maybe that's the thing that has been holding me back and causing me to question my own judgement and inducing more craziness ---- simply because the only person deserving of everything (good, bad, ugly, etc) is the person whom i CHOOSE to call my husband... my partner for life. the person that i start a life with.... with all our loved ones as witnesses.

a part of me thinks this is me taking another step in growing up. and that i shouldn't let the little things get to me anymore because it doesn't matter. it will only matter to the that person.

after all .... i am willing to gladly accept the (part of the) role as a woman and wife that society places upon us as women ... would it be wrong of me to expect my man to fulfill the role as the care taker ? I know it's a team effort but I want to be with someone who can take care of me and I of him.

currently jamming to:


//

about to wrap up my first semester in graduate school. I am about a little over an hour from my last final exam [biostatistics] of my first semester.... it's safe to say that my sleep schedule is completely off, i've been heavily using my eye cream and concealer, and don't even get me started on my diet....

overall, despite the crazy hectic fact schedule.... i feel like i've really learned a lot. definitely learned some lessons for my next 4 semesters
-stay ahead of the game early on
-stop procrastinating
-start brainstorming research topics early on .. not just topics but actual research

i can successfully explain to anyone cost saving tactics in the ACA, why it sucks to be a millennial right now in terms of health reform [me], malpractice tort reform, food deserts and its implications, varying definitions of quality in healthcare, cultural competency legislation in place and pending in a number of states, state health exchange markets, etc. and the list goes on.

as far as my education and career coming to DC was THE best move for me. I love my internship and the work we do now and it makes more excited to see what's in store for my work experience. there are days that are slower and i do get lonely and miss having my support system but i don't like to wallow too long and just tell myself to suck it up haha. probably not the healthiest thing but being tough on myself has gotten me this far. and for some motivation -->

i will always be a britney fan lol. anyways. in exactly one week i am going home to californiaaaa! yes. just gotta get through four days of work and a nice two days [weekend] to get organized and have time for myself. maybe ill start training for my half marathon i decided to register for in april lol. yeah i really need to though... i am definitely tempted to go shopping and splurge at VS and Sephora... my go to store but i probably should NOT be shopping lol. but a girl has gotta get a better eye cream lol.

drawing the line -- at some point both should be working/desiring towards the same direction/location

where do you draw the line?

at what point does someone decide to work towards being geographically closer to the one they "cannot live life without"

two different perspectives are not aligning.... "sacrifice vs. happiness"

makes me wonder of where we think we are and where we are going. because i wouldn't see it has a sacrifice or following but rather completing my other half again. there would not be resentment present because i would believe the opportunity would not present itself where those feelings could possibly occur.

i guess half the game really is women waiting for their counterparts to catch up and reach where we inevitably will get to before any man. reality slapping you in the face HAHA.

and for a little humor

infidelity, cheating, capability, choice

As I've gotten older I've grown to acknowledge that at any point in time in any relationship (dating, long term dating, engagement, marriage, etc) any single person is capable for cheating on their significant other. [What actions everyone defines as cheating looks different] .... Every person makes a choice every day and every minute during their relationship if and when they are truly committed to one another.

Of course, every girl would love to think they're near perfect, prince charming would never do anything to do them. Women need to realize that if they are with a real man who would own up to his decisions and actions wouldn't intentionally hurt their woman. A mans perspective is often clouded by not realizing their actions would hurt someone.... Sounds sexist but it's true. (Women handle life better; we are expected to provide for our children financially and emotionally. Women gives years of their life to their children whereas, men can so easily continue building their fucking empire).

I don't mean to come off as a pessimist but, it's everyone woman looking out for herself in the real world. Yes, it's nice to have someone there to take care of you and be there for you but at the end of the day regardless of what life decides to throw at you the only person who will be there to cry about it, suck it, and move on will be yourself.

Every person is capable of any action, it's up to them to decide how one reacts with the options presented to them.

All I know about myself is that it's all black and white to me. If anyone were to do anything that would truly hurt me after being so vulnerable and giving, there would be no turning back. Would it be easy? Fuck no it wouldn't. It would probably be the most painful thing I would have to experience in my life yet. But in life, there no living if you aren't risking things.

currently jammin` to

don't let it get to you

home will always be there
cali will always be there
my friends will always be there
and they will still be doing the same shit

------------------------

i'm passive agressive
i'm emotional
i'm high maintenance
i'm sassy
i'm outspoken
i'm expressive

if you can't handle me at my worse then you don't deserve me at my best

16 ways i blew my marriage

You know what blows big time?

The other night I was sitting with my family, most of whom are very successfully married. We were going in a circle giving our best marriage advice to my little sister on the eve of her wedding. It’s somewhat of a family tradition.

But that’s not what blows. What really blows is that I realized I don’t have any good marriage advice to give. After all, I’ve never had a successful marriage out of the two marriages I did have.

And so, when it was my turn, I just made a joke about divorce and how you should always remember why you loved your spouse when you first met her so that when times get tough, you can find someone new that is just like she was.

There were a couple courtesy giggles, but overall my humor wasn’t welcome in such a beautifully building ring of profundity.

They finished round one, and for some reason started into another round. And that’s when I realized. Hey. I don’t have marriage advice to give, but I have plenty of “keep your marriage from ending” advice (two equivocally different things), and that might be almost as good.

It eventually came to me again, and what I said would have been such great advice if I were a tenth as good at saying things as I was at writing them.

And so, that night, I sat down and wrote out my “advice list” for my little sister. You know… things I wish I would have known or done differently so that I didn’t end up divorced (twice). After writing it, I thought maybe I’d share it with all of you, too.

I call it my “Ways I Blew My Marriage” list. Also, for the list’s sake, I am just going to refer to “her” instead of “them” even though they almost all were true in both marriages.

1. DON’T STOP HOLDING HER HAND

When I first dated the woman I ended up marrying, I always held her hand. In the car. While walking. At meals. At movies. It didn’t matter where. Over time, I stopped. I made up excuses like my hand was too hot or it made me sweat or I wasn’t comfortable with it in public. Truth was, I stopped holding hands because I stopped wanting to put in the effort to be close to my wife. No other reason.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d hold her hand in the car. I’d hold her hand on a star. I’d hold her hand in a box. I’d hold her hand with a fox. And I’d hold her hand everywhere else, too, even when we didn’t particularly like each other for the moment.

BONUS! When you hold hands in the winter, they don’t get cold. True story.

2. DON’T STOP TRYING TO BE ATTRACTIVE.

Obviously when I was working to woo her, I would do myself up as attractively as I possibly could every time I saw her. I kept perfectly groomed. I always smelled good. I held in my farts until she wasn’t around. For some reason, marriage made me feel like I could stop doing all that. I would get all properly groomed, smelling good, and dressed up any time we went out somewhere or I went out by myself, but I rarely, if ever, cared about making myself attractive just for her.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d try and put my best foot forward throughout our entire marriage. I’d wait to fart until I was in the bathroom whenever possible. I’d make myself desirable so that she would desire me.

BONUS! when you trim your man hair, guess what. She returns the favor.

3. DON’T ALWAYS POINT OUT HER WEAKNESSES.

For some reason, somewhere along the way, I always ended up feeling like it was my place to tell her where she was weak and where she could do better. I sure as heck didn’t do that while we were dating. No, when I dated her I only built her up, only told her how amazing she was, and easily looked past all of her flaws. After we got married though, she sometimes couldn’t even cook eggs without me telling her how she might be able to improve.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I wouldn’t say a damned thing about anything that I thought could use improvement. I’ve learned since my marriage ended that there is more than one right way to do most things, and that the imperfections of others are too beautiful to try and change.

BONUS! when you tell her what she’s doing right, she’ll tell you what you’re doing right. And she’ll also tell her friends. And her family. And the dentist. And even strangers on the street.

4. DON’T STOP COOKING FOR HER.

I knew how to woo a girl, for sure. And the ticket was usually a night in, cooking a nice meal and having a romantic evening. So why is it then, that I didn’t do that for her after we got married? Sure, I’d throw some canned soup in the microwave or fry up some chimichangas once in a while, but I rarely if ever went out of my way to sweep her off her feet after we were married by steaming crab legs, or making fancy pasta, or setting up a candlelit table.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d make it a priority to cook for her, and only her, something awesome at least every month. And I’d remember that meat in a can is never awesome.

BONUS! candlelit dinners often lead to candlelit bow chica bow-wow.

5. DON’T YELL AT YOUR SPOUSE.

I’m not talking about the angry kind of yelling. I’m talking about the lazy kind of yelling. The kind of yelling you do when you don’t want to get up from your television show or you don’t want to go ALL THE WAY UPSTAIRS to ask her if she’s seen your keys. It really doesn’t take that much effort to go find her, and yelling (by nature) sounds demanding and authoritative.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d try to go find her anytime I needed something or wanted to know something, and I’d have both gratitude and manners when I did. I always hated when she would yell to me, so why did I always feel it was okay to yell to her?

BONUS! sometimes you catch her doing something cute that you would have missed otherwise.

6. DON’T CALL NAMES.

I always felt I was the king of not calling names, but I wasn’t. I may not have called her stupid, or idiot, or any of the other names she’d sometimes call me, but I would tell her she was stubborn, or that she was impossible, or that she was so hard to deal with. Names are names, and calling them will drive bigger wedges in communication than just about anything else.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: Any time it got to the point that I wanted to call names, I’d call a time-out and come back to it later. Or better yet, I’d call her names, but they’d be names like “super sexy” or “hotness.” Even in the heat of the moment.

BONUS! she’ll call you names in better places. Like the bedroom.

7. DON’T BE STINGY WITH YOUR MONEY.

As the main bread earner, I was always so stingy with the money. I’d whine about the cost of her shampoo or that she didn’t order water at restaurants, or that she’d spend so much money on things like pedicures or hair dye jobs. But seriously. I always had just as many if not more things that I spent my money on, and in the end, the money was spent, we were just fine, and the only thing my bitching and moaning did was bring undo stress to our relationship.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d tell her I trusted her to buy whatever she wanted, whenever she felt like she needed it. And then, I’d actually trust her to do it.

BONUS! sometimes she will make bad purchase decisions, which leads to makeup purchase decisions. Like that new gadget you’ve had your eyes on.

8. DON’T ARGUE IN FRONT OF THE KIDS.

There was never any argument that was so important or pressing that we couldn’t wait to have it until the kids weren’t there. I don’t think it takes a rocket scientist or super-shrink to know why fighting in front of the kids is a dangerous and selfish way of doing things.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I would never, ever, not even once fight in front of the kids, no matter how big or how small the issue was. I’d maybe make a code word that meant, “not with the kids here.”

BONUS! when you wait to fight, usually you both realize how stupid or unimportant the fight was and the fight never happens.

9. DON’T ENCOURAGE EACH OTHER TO SKIP WORKING OUT.

I always thought it was love to tell my spouse, “I don’t care if you don’t take care of yourself. I don’t care if you don’t exercise. I don’t care if you let yourself go.” But that was lying, and it was lying when she said it to me because the truth is, we did care and I wish that we would have always told each other how sexy and attractive the other was any time we’d go workout or do something to become healthier.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d ask her to tell me that she cared. I’d ask her to encourage me to go to the gym. I’d ask her to remind me of my goals and tell me I’m strong enough to keep them.

BONUS! exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. And happy people don’t kill other people. (Name that movie!)

10. DON’T POOP WITH THE BATHROOM DOOR OPEN.

I don’t know why, but at some point I started thinking it was okay to poop with the bathroom door open, and so did she. First of all, it’s gross. Second of all, it stinks everything up. Third of all, there is literally no way to make pooping attractive, which means that every time she saw me do it, she, at least in some little way, would have thought I was less attractive.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d shut the damn door and poop in private.

BONUS! when she does think of your naked body, she’s not going to be thinking about it in a grunting/squatting position.

11. DON’T STOP KISSING HER.

It always got to a point when I’d more or less stop kissing her. Usually it was because things were stressful and there was tension in our relationship, and so I’d make it worse by refusing to kiss her. This of course would lead to her feeling rejected. Which would of course lead to arguments about it. Other times I had my own issues with germs and whatnot.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d kiss her in the morning when she looked like people do in the morning. I’d kiss her at night when she’s had a long day. I’d kiss her any time I felt like she secretly wanted a kiss. And, I’d kiss her even when my germ issues kicked in.

BONUS! she feels loved when you kiss her. That’s bonus enough.

12. DON’T STOP HAVING FUN TOGETHER.

Age shouldn’t matter. Physical ability shouldn’t matter. Couples should never stop having fun with each other, and I really wish I wouldn’t have gotten into so many ruts in which we didn’t really go out and do anything. And, I’ve been around the block enough times to know that when the fun is missing, and the social part of life is missing, so also goes missing the ability to be fully content with each other.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d make a rule with her that we’d never stay home two weekends in a row.

BONUS! awesome stories and awesome memories come from doing awesome things. And so do cherished embarrassing moments.

13. DON’T PRESSURE EACH OTHER.

Pressuring each other about anything is always a recipe for resentment. I always felt so pressured to make more money. I always felt so pressured to not slip in my religion. I always felt so pressured to feel certain ways about things when I felt the opposite. And I usually carried a lot of resentment. Looking back, I can think of just as many times that I pressured her, so I know it was a two-way street.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d make it a point to celebrate the different views, opinions, and ways that she had of doing things. I’d find the beauty in differentiation, not the threat.

BONUS! authentic happiness becomes a real possibility. And so do authentic foot rubs.

14. DON’T LABEL EACH OTHER WITH NEGATIVE LABELS.

Sometimes the easiest phrases to say in my marriage started with one of three things. Either, “you should have,” “you aren’t,” or “you didn’t.” Inevitably after each of those seemed to come something negative. And since when have negative labels ever helped anyone? They certainly never helped her. Or me. Instead, they seemed to make the action that sparked the label worsen in big ways.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I would learn to stop myself before saying any of those phrases, and then I’d switch them out for positive labels. Instead of “you should,” I’d say “you are great at.” Instead of saying “you aren’t,” I’d say “you are.” Instead of saying “you didn’t,” I’d say, “you did.” And then I’d follow it up with something positive.

BONUS! the noblest struggles become far more conquerable. And you don’t think or believe that you’re a schmuck, which is always nice.

15. DON’T SKIP OUT ON THINGS THAT ARE IMPORTANT TO HER.

It was so easy in marriage to veto so many of the things she enjoyed doing. My reasoning, “we can find things we both enjoy.” That’s lame. There will always be things she enjoys that I will never enjoy, and that’s no reason not to support her in them. Sometimes the only thing she needs is to know that I’m there.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d attend many more of the events that she invited me to. I would actively participate and not tell all the reasons why I’d do it differently or how it could be better or more fun or time better spent.

BONUS! go to something she knows you don’t enjoy and the gratitude gets piled on later that night, like whipped cream on a cheesecake.

16. DON’T EMOTIONALLY DISTANCE YOURSELF AFTER A FIGHT.

I never got to experience the power of make-up sex because any time my wife was mean or we got in a fight, I’d completely distance myself from her, usually for several days. Communication would shut down and I’d avoid contact at all cost. This never let things get worked out, and eventually after it had happened enough times I’d explode unnecessarily.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d let myself communicate my emotions and feelings more often, and I’d make sure that she knew I still loved her any time we had an ugly bout. Sure, we’d give each other some distance. But not days of distance.

BONUS! Fantastic make-up sex. Or at least that’s the theory.

I had lots more written out, but the list started getting super long so I’ll stop right there and maybe do a part 2. It’s amazing when you’ve had relationships end, just how much you learn and know you could have done differently, isn’t it?

My sister and her new husband will be amazing. Hopefully she’ll always be giving amazing marriage advice in the future and never have to hand out the “keep your marriage from ending” advice like I get to.

I didn't love my wife when we got marrried

I’m a ridiculous, emotional, over-sentimental sap.  I guess that’s why I told my wife I loved her on our second date. I had tried really hard up to that point to hold it back, honestly.  I wanted to tell her on the first date, but I knew that would probably be weird. I still remember her reaction.  She kind of gave me this half-shy, half-amused smile.  Then she nodded and looked off into the sky. I wasn’t heartbroken by the response.  I think part of me recognized that she was much smarter and more modest than me. But as time has gone on, I also realized that she knew something that I didn’t. Like most Hasidic Jews (we both became religious later in life), our dating period lasted a very short time.  After two months of dating, we were engaged.  Three months after that, we were married. And that whole time I was swooning.  This fire was burning in me, a fire that burned just like that second date: I was in love. But then we got married, and everything changed. Marriage, quicker than I was ready for, did this thing: it started sucking away that emotion. I tried so hard to keep that fire going, to keep that emotion alight, but it got harder and harder. I mean, how you can feel that burning love when you’re sitting at the table discussing how to use the last twenty dollars in your bank account? How can you feel it when you get into an argument? How can you feel it when you think it makes perfect sense to put your socks on the floor after you’re done with them, and she has this crazy idea that they need to go in the laundry basket? There was no way I could keep that dating fire burning as practicality invaded our lives. And at first, it drove me nuts.  That emotion meant love!  That excitement was how I knew I cared for her!  But suddenly, life was this grind.  Even when I was with her.  Especially when I was with her. And even worse, it seemed that the harder I tried to be sentimental and lovey-dovey, the less it was reciprocated. But it wasn’t that she wasn’t giving me love, it just seemed to come at different times. Like, when I offered to do the dishes.  Or make dinner after she had a hard day.  Or, once we had a daughter, when I shared the responsibility of watching over her. I don’t think I noticed this consciously for a while.  It just kept happening. But I think it had an effect on me.  Because as our marriage progressed, I found myself offering to help out around the house more and more. And after each time, there would be this look she would give me.  This look of absolute love.  One that was soft and so beautiful. It took me longer than I care to admit to understand what was happening. But eventually it became clear.  Through giving, through doing things for my wife, the emotion that I had been so desperately seeking naturally came about.  It wasn’t something I could force, just something that would come about as a result of my giving. In other words, it was in the practicality that I found the love I was looking for. And what was even more interesting was that once I realized this on a conscious level, and started trying to find more opportunities to give, the more we both, almost intuitively, became lovey-dovey. And now, as I’m a bit older and a bit more experienced with this relationship, I’ve finally come to realize something. Something I haven’t wanted to admit for a long time, but is undeniable. I didn’t love my wife on that second date. I didn’t love her when we got engaged. I didn’t even love her when we got married. Because love isn’t an emotion.  That fire I felt, it was simply that: emotional fire.  From the excitement of dating a woman I felt like I could marry.  But it wasn’t love. No, love isn’t an emotion or even a noun.  It’s a verb.  Better defined as giving.  As putting someone else’s needs above your own. Why wasn’t I getting reciprocal lovey-doveyness when we were first married?  Because it wasn’t for her.  It was for me.  An emotion I had in my chest. And even when I let it out of my chest, it wasn’t love. Being sappy isn’t love.  Telling someone you love them doesn’t mean that you do. And that’s why my wife just gave me that half-smile.  She knew, even if I didn’t, what love really is. And now that I’ve tried to change the way I look at love, the more I become shocked at the messages of love I had gotten when I was younger. From Disney movies to my favorite shows like “The Office” to practically every pop song released, love is constantly sold as an emotion we have before we’re married.  An emotion that, once had, somehow magically stays within a marriage forever. I can’t imagine a bigger lie.  And I’m saddened to think about how much those messages bounced around in my head for so long.  And how much I’m sure those messages are bouncing around in other people’s heads as well. I think that might be a big part of the reason the divorce rate is so high in this country.  Imagine a whole nation of people constantly chasing the emotions they had when they were dating.  A country of people trying to live a Disney movie. That’s a recipe for disastrous marriages; for a country with a 50% divorce rate;  for adultery (the classic attempt to turn the fire back on); for people who do stay together to simply live functional, loveless marriages. It’s sad to see just how common all the above is.  How many people are in pain simply because they’ve been lied to. Those people deserve better.  We all deserve better. It’s time that we changed the conversation about love.  It’s time that we redefine it. Because until we do, adultery will continue to be common.  Loveless marriages.  Divorce. Living Disney movies in our minds, and tragedies in our lives.

-------------//

Taken from a blog shared via Facebook. This article is so true. Love is a choice. A choice every day that a person makes to continue living their lives they way they see best fit for themselves. 

I always try to remind myself that. Girls are so fooled with all the romance found in Hollywood movies. & I will definitely admit I can be such a sap at times and cry at all of those movies but purely for enjoyment. But in reality, it's so different. Others may have highly opposing views of what I think but, all I wish people is simply that they find someone that makes them happy and vice versa.

if i truly want this to work with 3000 miles in between us.

i have to make sure i'm okay with feeling like we do have different lives now. not that we didn't have own previously but I need to be okay with not talking to him about regular things everyday and realizing that I'm okay with it because I do trust him. I think the thing I had a difficult time with earlier was not what he was doing but, just that I happened to be missing out on all the activities.

we just need to make sure we can still find each other when we are separate and together.... it's going to take a lot of adjusting on my end to be okay with these changes because of the distance. i also need to put more thought about things when speaking to him and explaining how i feel because it could hurt him and me more so now than ever before. we don't have the luxury of being able to physically be with each other to offer comfort.

i need to learn to be okay with scheduling video chatting dates and times. it sounds ridiculous but i think it's necessary for us to maintain our relationship and continue to build it. i wouldn't want the quality of our relationship to decrease or complacent. it should always be growing and supporting both us as we need.

now for me to think about all of this and explain this to him will take me some time. but i know he will understand and everything will work our for the best. just like how it's supposed to go

till next time \\

k

it's been awhile.

i guess i only write on here when i have the opportunity or lack of opportunity to talk about how I am feeling at this very moment. Or really it's about me writing this all down to help make sense of it all.

i'ved moved 3000 miles away from everything i know and love. i've yet again decided to leave my entire comfort zone ... except this time it's a longer extended amount of time and costing me a lot of money.

i think for the first time \\\ .... i have to get used to missing out on things and just hope that it not me missing out on things that it's him. selfish for me to say but a girl has gotta keep herself protected. till the day that you&me really become an "us". speakin` the truth!


my family has perfect timing for phone calls. it's like they're meant to uplift me.

i actually went to church today (which i usually don't ever go out of my way to do) and the reading was about migrating to a new place for economical purposes. seemed to go well with my current huge move.... just interpreting it on a bit of stretch ha. but who cares, it's my interpretation that matters anyways. (at least i'm in my opinion)

all of these would work, without fail, every time.

things i keep telling myself

they are one last person for you to compete with. they make your success easier.

precious

After 21 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, “I love you, but I know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you.”

The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my MOTHER, who has been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my three children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally
. That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie. “What’s wrong, are you well?” she asked.

My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news. “I thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you,” I responded. “Just the two of us.” She thought about it for a moment, and then said, “I would like that very much.”

That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date. She waited in the door with her coat on. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding anniversary. She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel’s. “I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed, “she said, as she got into the car. “They can’t wait to hear about our meeting.”

We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print. Half way through the entries, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips. “It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small,” she said. “Then it’s time that you relax and let me return the favor,” I responded. During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation – nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each other’s life. We talked so much that we missed the movie. As we arrived at her house later, she said, “I’ll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you.” I agreed.

“How was your dinner date?” asked my wife when I got home. “Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined,” I answered.

A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn’t have a chance to do anything for her. Some time later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place mother and I had dined. An attached note said: “I paid this bill in advance. I wasn’t sure that I could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two plates – one for you and the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant for me. I love you, son.”

At that moment, I understood the importance of saying in time: “I LOVE YOU” and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve. Nothing in life is more important than your family. Give them the time they deserve, because these things cannot be put off till “some other time.”

---THIS STORY REMINDS ME OF THE GOLF BALLS STORY ----

The Mayonnaise Jar 
When things in your life seem , almost too much to handle,
When 24 Hours in a day is not enough,
Remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class
and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly,
He picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar
And proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students, if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured
them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open Areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively
filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed..

'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things - family,
children, health, Friends, and Favorite passions.
Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, Your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else --The small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' He continued,
there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,
You will never have room for the things that are important to you.
So...

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play With your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

'Take care of the golf balls first --
The things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented...

The professor smiled.
'I'm glad you asked'.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'

Please share this with other "Golf Balls" 

taking your own advice

reminders of what i will be like as a parent, friend, girlfriend, wife, etc.

communication is key and i'll admit i usually have a difficult time with it. anything outside of my personal life i think my communication skills are at a pretty good level for someone my age. however, when it comes to things that are personal and meaningful to me (relationships with others) i can get a little sensitive and emotional.


growing up i've always been cautious about trusting people. i don't know why, but looking back it seems that i've always been like that and there was no specific negative moment triggering that characteristic. i think it's just always been apart of me.

works in both good and bad ways.... since i'm already cautious of trusting others. those i do chose to trust and they in fact betray or lose that trust drives me that much further away from trusting others. to date, there is only one person i can really call my best friend and he is also my boyfriend. which i am forever grateful for. but in the past maybe 2 1/2 years those that i have identified previously as best friends simply have blurred away. nothing negative or a horrible falling out as occurred, i think it's just apart of growing up. at least that's what i like to think because then that would mean there's something wrong with me that i am not aware of.

nevertheless, communication is hard for me with those that i love. i think that's why i have a hard time talking with my parents. i feel like communication with my mother is so difficult to do regular things in life, like plan a family holiday celebration event. she reacts to aggressively to things and it seems that she thinks the whole world is against her and she has issues that can't be fixed.

i know the relationship with my parents has always been difficult and different in comparison to everyone else. but i've come to accept that everyone sets their own expectations from those in their life. i definitely value and appreciate my relationship with my parents despite the flaws. but, i know when the day comes that i decide to get married and start my own family my expectations from my husband and children will be very different.

over the course of the past year, my expectation of a marriage and creating a successful life long commitment with someone has definitely changed. i've come to realize how much really goes into it and what i know i will need from my life partner. and i know for a fact that i will make that clear to my husband before he proposes. just like how i will have high expectations from not just myself but my husband when we decide to have children.

age means nothing in all of this, everyone matures and experiences things at their own pace. which is why i know for a fact i don't see myself getting married anytime soon because i'm not even ready to hold myself up to my own standards haha.

random post: few of my favorite items/things to keep my sanity

keeping scented candles lit (nothing musty or too vanilla-y)
my prayer book
my brown journal
some current good reads on my dresser (right now: nudge, public health in action, just one thing: developing a buddha brain one step at a time)
pictures of K&J
various notebooks
tissue box 
various scented lotions
good shampoo & conditioner
tooth comb
good floss
my contoured pillow


having time for a good breakfast
sipping on warm coffee/tea

friendships

where do you draw the line in friendships when enough is enough? what do you do when after so long ... you have nothing in common and cannot relate to each other anymore?


i've struggled in the past with trusting other women in friendships and it's definitely hard to find true friends who really understand you and actually know what's going on in your life. everyone gets so caught up in their lives, as i have. it's hard to keep investing in friendships that will never be like they once were.

no one likes to be vulnerable in any situation. not just with a significant other but with friends as well. i have no problem talking about things openly but, it's always hard to get that conversation going. Because you will play through the scenario in your head and eventually decide whether it's worth the energy or not. And most of the time you decide it's not and leave it be.

everyone wants to feel appreciated and included in someone's life. just always remember it's a two way street and meeting in the middle is what friendship is supposed to be about.

pet peeve: hearing about problems someone is having when i think they're at fault for their own actions. i'm not sorry about it. especially when things play it repetitively and there seems to be that common problem

pet peeve of myself: having that annoyance while still becoming inspired by someone's continuous ability to have faith&hope.

it's the balance-need in my life playing out.

since adult life has really started to kick in full gear this past year and half, you really start to look at things differently. your career, life goals, friendships, family, everything. for me, i've really learned to start appreciating things in a different way then before. as i've gotten older, i've created more appreciation for those expressing value in the same things i value.

Everyone needs a friend representing each of these things

 

confidence/self esteem vs. arrogance

There is a fine line between high self esteem/confidence and arrogance. I got to give mad respect and props for the working women out there who have made it to their MD, BSN, high ranking military personnel, licensed engineers, scientists, directors of non-profits, and fortune 500 executives. I''ll cheers to all those women any day. I highly respect and look up to those women.

Bringing me to my next point on respect. Yes, in my books respect is earned; respect is earned in my personal life (relationships & friendships). Professionally? Respect is earned to a certain extent, but am I going to flat out disgrace my company/department by expressing my opinionated nature. MMM probably not. That's the difference between being a student/working and entering the professional field. You are no longer just looking out for yourself and your own thoughts, you are a representation of your employor.

Maybe that idea has become integrated in me that I find it unacceptable to judge someone/offend someone when I meet them in my personal life... But when I think about it... It's really about growing up, becoming mature, and having manners. I am an opinionated person.

Opinionated meaning I have strong political, religious, economical, and moral views. Life does not revolve around your love life. Life revolves around my inspirations, my family, and my happiness. One could define one's happiness by love. Everyone is entitled to their own interpretation.

The fine line between confience and arrogance is age. Age not by years but simply by how wide your perspective really is. My academic and personal background has allowed me to view things from multiple perspectives. Always, always, always consider your audience when speaking (anywhere, anytime, any place)... Be wary of where your step your feet. I don't think i'm being too careful, i think I act smart and logical. Don't burn bridges before you give them a chance to build. People that are self confident prove so by their actions and not their words. Some people need to learn to shut their damn mouth, or else they will come off as naive, arrogant, and uneducated. Actions will always speak louder than words. Bringing me back to giving mad respect for all those successful working professional women out there, they got a resume and experience that could blow me out the water. In which, I could learn a lot from... I wouldn't doubt that.

Whenever i write my blogs or thoughts down in my journal, i can definitely see the Libra in me come out.

CHECK IT:
Libra is the only zodiac symbol that's neither animal nor human -- but surely that doesn't make you any less human. In fact, Libra is among the most sociable of the signs. As scales of old were really "balances," so to do you seek balance in all that Libra does. You respond to situations with grace as Libra attempts to put others at ease. Artistically, Libra tries to balance form, content, colors and elements, and for this reason can be drawn toward creative endeavors.


The greatest balancing act is between self and others, and it is here that many Libras focus their energy. Here, in the realm of interpersonal relationships, you are a champion. Libra know how to be the charming host or hostess. Libra can sense what others want before they ask for it. And you can make the needs of others a higher priority than your own. In fact, Libra is the shuttle diplomats of the zodiac, going back and forth between the extremes until a solution is negotiated.

The Libra motto might be "To every action there is an opposite and equal reaction." It is your innate sense of cause and effect that makes you so effective as a strategist. Whether it's playing chess, relationship counseling or civic planning, you know how to be effective while staying in the middle of the road. Your easygoing attitude can serve you and others well, but don't forget that your needs cannot go totally unfulfilled or you won't have anything to give to others.

Element: Air

The astrological element of air represents movement. And the most efficient movement between two points is often a thought. Air signs are thinkers. They emphasize the intellect over other functions. With active minds and a good command of language, the air signs are the natural born communicators. They can be light and breezy as the breath of spring, but their words can also carry the power of a gale force wind.

Seventh House: Partners

If the First House represents the self, the Seventh House opposite it, represents the other. This can be a business partner, a spouse or any other type of relationship amongst equals. Most often, this is where we look to see how you relate to others in your life.

Key Planet: Venus

Venus is the planet of love and desire. She is in charge of romance and beauty. But Venus isn't only about physical love; she's also symbolic of the ideal love. When we see a beautiful painting or other work or art, Venus is present. She is the beauty of a rose as much as she is the attraction we have to someone we love. As the key planet of Libra, Venus is about the perception of beauty as an ideal. Here, she is the proper blend of colors, the right mix of music or the perfect poetic description of love, itself.
Your Biggest Strength: Your grace and charm when helping others

Your Potential Weakness: Forgetting to take care of your own needs

That's all :)

possibility

Recently, i've learned to appreciate the importance of defining certain things:

Values
Morals
Happiness

Typically I wouldn't be so philosophical and analyzed my life in such ways. Maybe it's because I have more time to ponder about now or due to my changing daily environment things have influenced my thoughts and interpretations. More specifically, my co-workers that I spend 40 hours a week with. WHICH IS A LOT OF TIME.

Since I started working, it's been good so far. I love my job, my co-workers, I'm learning a lot, and I'm actually working in a field in which my major/classes from my undergraduate career is helping me. Which some people have told me is rare in this working world nowadays. It seems that I haven't found that niche in which I feel fully satisfied with how I spend my time and to make sure I'm happy with how things are going. When I started my undergraduate career at UCI it was a very challenging transition for me to make. I felt like almost the entire first year I was on a non-stop rollercoaster that wouldn't even let me enough to puke my brains out.

It doesn't feel like that now, but I think i've learned how to put more a grasp on things. The one time when I actually felt accomplished was my graduation ceremony. Yeah, sounds cheesy but I really felt accomplished looking back to the person who I was my first year of college and the independent woman I had turned into.

Now after being a working young professional for almost 6 months I definitely feel like I'm in another transitional learning phase of my life. I'm now surrounded by all these older working successful professionals and my happiness list has become longer.

One major thing I've realized I want in my life is a Master's Degree. I feel like I won't get where I would like to get without that additional thing. Don't get me wrong I've gone back and forth on the financial aspect about it, like will it be worth another couple thousand dollars that I know i'll have to be paying for myself. There are some days at work I come across items in which I feel like I'm not smart enough and that an additional degree would give me the backbone I want and deserve to progress in my career. However, there is a part of me that wonders will I just learn everything through time and experience and not a book. Experience can be more valuable then other things on a resume but it really depends on so many other factors.

Finally now my current dilemma that led me to even blog rambling is my lack of motivation to study for my GRE exam. I need a good score to get into a good graduate program -________-... so why do I lack such motivation needed to fulfill my happiness???

GAAAAAAAAAAH

kills me

it kills me that i thought after everything we've been through i've learned to not allow you to affect me so with the little things you do.

i thought up until now i've come to terms with the uncertainty that our relationship contains but, in the rare moments of weakness and vulnerability i have you're still the only thing that can push me completely over the edge.

someone recently told me her definition of love ... from a marriage perspective. love is not a feeling or emotion, it's a choice. a choice that people make every single day of their lives in choosing to be with that person and every action that you do for them or because you know it'll make them happy. that truly is love. everyone is capable of screwing anything up.... everyone is capable of choosing another woman/man over you, everyone is capable of hurting someone somehow. But even through that vulnerability every person has in every relationship everyone still needs someone to share their days and life with.

<3